Rev 1 – Mar 21, 2011

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Page Fault Productions

This is the case of the killer Cuisinart, a tale of a skillet with murderous intent.

Throughout history skillets have been known to attack without reason.

Shakespeare wrote of skillets that they are "full of sound and fury".

Charlemagne lost an eye to a skillet in a cook-by shooting.

And Ernest Hemingway died while cleaning his skillet.

One rarely hears, these days, of skillet-inflicted wounds.

Perhaps that is because skillets have become more skillful at hiding their deeds.

Or perhaps it is because Fox News feels that these attacks are simply routine exercises of 2nd amendment rights.

Silence, however, does not mean absence.

Even in these modern days skillets still lash out at their masters.

Early in the year of our lord 2011, in Santa Cruz, California one such event befell.

The skillet, a Cuisinart twelve inch model had been a trusty household servant for some years.

It had arrived new, the store of its origin being lost in time, but it had never been mistreated or abused.

This killer Cuisinart bore this engraved legend: "722 dash 30HNS" and the talismanic words "with Helper".

It began simply enough; The skillet's master was sauteing broccoli.

The time was midday, the range was Wolf, the flame was medium high.

Suddenly the skillet attacked!

The hot metal cap from one of the rivets shot across the room.

Grace was upon the intended victim - the searing projectile missed its target.

But the makeshift bullet did ricochet from the range hood and bounced off the back-splash, ultimately coming to rest, still very hot, on the counter top.

The skillet now sleeps, like a volcano dormant after an explosion, with a ragged rim where the rivet cap used to be.

The skillet has been set aside, not to be used for cooking again.

The maker of the skillet, the Cuisinart company, was informed of its product's transgressions.

However, they have never acknowledged that communication, much less have they responded.

How many brothers and sisters of "722 dash 30HNS" "with Helper" are out there, biding their time, waiting to attack?

The Cuisinart company may know – but they are not saying.

Is it time to gather together the members of the "722 dash 30HNS" "with Helper" clan and send them into purgatory?


I hope that this cautionary tale proves useful and instructive. Only time will tell.